I Think I Love You, Please Say You Do Too
by thesquiglet
Summary: It's not like Todd needed a relationship. It was..he might not mind one with Dirk in it.


He hadn't meant to say it, it had just happened - like most of things in Todd's life and usually never for the better – and now he had to try and convince his best friend that he hadn't said what he had...or the fact he meant it. Wholeheartedly. He couldn't be that to him even if he wanted to be.

Especially when the man in Todd's eyes knew how long Dirk weird-ass Gently had been longing for an actual friend. Or at least one he deserved. Todd could not take that away from him, no matter how he started to feel or felt. Whatever. It's not like Todd __needed__ a relationship, especially with someone so intent on infuriating him, he just wouldn't mind if it meant he also got to hold him close and feel reassured that he was finally there and out of Blackwing's clutches for good. The kissing would just be an extra bonus.

Besides Dirk appeared to if anything since they'd met solving the Patrick Spring case alongside Wendimoor's - bring out more of the very best in what he could accomplish, and start seeing himself for how he could be, be better as a person and better to deal with life - Todd could now firmly say he had a job (no matter how magical and magically surreal it got at times which if he was being honest knew he loved, he just had to keep up his brand of grumpy up), he had friends again who he loved more than anything and wanted to keep around, and he was honest.

Amanda would never forgive him fully – not that he would ever want her to, he had fucked up royally and he needed to accept that – but she saw the strides he was making, consoled him once about now having the disease before having left with the Rowdy Three once more. She'd allowed him a month after Wendimoor to call her at least once or twice a month to check in, chat, hear her boys (and Beast) laughing making their way towards something of a better relationship, something more than before. They were so close to having almost lost each other at the hands of the Dengamoors that afterwards his sister had decided he needed to tell her everything in his life now, even if he thought she wouldn't want to hear it.

His sister liked this Todd. The one who now fought to get others back instead of leaving them to the wolves. The one who helped her open the portal and let her grow-up and leave Amanda to do finally do what she wanted out of his sometimes overwhelming protective clutches (really he needed to split those wants between his friends more and stop jumping into the firing line so much, Jesus Todd)

She just wanted her older brother back and if that was what it would take then he'd be prepared to do it.

Amanda called Dirk more than she called Todd. He understood.

Dirk had never lied to her. Todd didn't think unless he really tried that he could lie to anyone - bar anything or one that had the chance to hurt him – which the assiss-friend supposed had been one of the things he could now admit had made the gateway into liking him, Dirk Gently was honest. Cripplingly honest. He said things you wanted to hear and the things you didn't. He'd told Todd to take control of his life. He'd told Todd all the way back on their first case the hunches never helped him so he'd chosen to help others. Even when seeing the worst in people, Dirk either attempted to see the best or correct what went wrong. Todd saw it every day since having set up the agency with Farah.

Dirk was at the best of times according to his best friend annoying, vague and in all senses of the words – a complete and utter fucking cheapskate – but the broken man inside was also reaffirming, kind, determined and gentle... and Todd was none of that. Dirk moreover still wanting to be round an asshole such as him never failed to cross his mind daily all while trying to prove Todd's awful personality wrong. After years of having no friends, he suddenly ended up with an overly supportive enthusiastic one.

Todd had never ended up being so utterly gone for someone. He hated it.

The detective seemed to be just as messed up as he was (he guessed being locked and experimented on by the CIA would do that to you) but instead of bailing out making lies up, he'd embraced every single part of life not taking one second for granted going so far into loving so deeply and fully that whenever the universe threw something their way which damaged him, Farah or Amanda he immediately turned in on himself stating it was his fault.

Frankly the universe could suck it.

Dirk happened to be more often than not his shining beacon of life – and wasn't that disgustingly sentimental – and when the universe thought to take that away Todd decided each time he was going to fight it. If the universe wouldn't protect him then Todd would.

And then Todd had realised he'd been silent for too long. Far too long. Damn it, he couldn't do anything without screwing it all up.

"Todd, I, don't mean to call you out on this, I mean if you aren't I'm very sorry, never been one for assuming things but did you...did you just say in your apartment as we look over case notes that you maybe... might...be...slightly...be in love with me?"

Todd gave a vacant expression and shrugged his shoulders as if to give a reluctant yes. The British walking disaster's smile came up to the surface from the frown he'd been wearing over, his whole body going lax.

"Well..that's awfully nice of you Todd!"

"You-uh-you're not like weirded out or whatever?"

"Why would I be? I've known who I am and how I identify since I was being experimented on in Blackwing, this is really not news to me Todd. I thought for the past month or two you'd been hoping to escape this line of work but now I know, it's fineness! In fact we could go to dinner if you really wanted, we could splash out or we could order pizza, I don't think I'll ever eat enough pizza to make up for the fact I had none as a child. I think this is possibly one of my top ten moments of life so far, maybe even top 3! What do you think Todd? Todd?"

This was too much now. Far too much. Dirk was meant to shy away from this sort of stuff, he was meant to pull him by his ears and say absolutely not because he'd messed up his life beforehand so what's to say he wouldn't do it again? Worst of all not only would he be hurting Dirk but he'd be driving him away. Todd could not drive anymore people away.

"You can't be with me Dirk" He felt his own face fall as he announced this unwillingly watching the other's face go from confused to lost to sad to searching.

"You can't be with me because..I hurt people. I hurt Amanda and I hurt my parents. I even burnt Farah's hand with our coffee machine yesterday, everyone I try to not get swept in my messes get swept up in them so whatever you know. You may not be the most knowledgeable guy I know but you definitely are the most honest and most person deserving of gentleness I know and you don't and probably never will get what you want or deserve from me. So there's your best assiss-friend-crush thing for you Dirk. I'm a selfish person and once again a bad friend. I can't hurt you like Blackwing did and I don't want to"

Dirk cocked his head to the side presenting a listening face until he hit upon talking about being deserved in which he promptly snapped his head back up and promptly marched over towards him. Once he reached the sofa he folded his arms stubbornly as then he decided to not sit next to him but climb onto his lap placing his head on Todd's shoulders making sure to hug and hold him tightly.

"Dirk what the hell?!"

"Is this..not what you wanted?"

"No I...ye..s?"

"Good"

"Dirk, um not that this is nice and sorta what I've been wanting for a while but do you think I could..maybe get some circulation back in my legs?"

"Depends"

"On what? On what Dirk?! I mean my legs will go dead if you now don't move off me"

"Are you going to walk away from me due to your horribly crippling self loathing and crushing loneliness?"

"No?" He felt the head leave his shoulder and the arms behind him leave as well however the body itself didn't. Instead eyes locked on eyes waiting for a further answer.

"What would make you feel any different towards me then if not that Todd? If there was anything I thought you have never deserved, it was contracting your sister's disease. You weren't the best person, I won't lie. You were rude, hurtful and just plain awful lying to everyone you came into contact with although now..if you think about it you aren't any of those things anymore..well some of them anymore. I'll be the first to admit that some days your less pleasant side appears or I worry that I won't be there to help with a pararibulitis attack or a sad cry however my point is Todd that I told you to take control of your life and you have! In fact it may be the first time someone has actually taken on board what I've had to actually say"

"This isn't helping me. Are you not listening to me? I have really and truly messed up everything good I have had in my life and that includes not helping Farah before she became one of my best friends and it's weird I can say that sort of thing now, letting Blackwing take you I will never forgive myself for, yelling at you that you were a bad friend and just taking off after you'd probably experienced something traumatic and making you feel like an asshole when really I was the asshole...I..i..i'm not good with saying my emotions but it's like the friend thing, you just project stuff onto me.I like being around you. I like being comforted by you whether it's a word or action especially after an attack, all the ways in which you think I am not a shitty person. I know you're not perfect Dirk, I wouldn't have liked or fallen in love with you if you were, you constantly correct my spelling and you have no concept of personal space some days and you eat some really un eatable things and I hear your nightmares from across the room..and I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll lose you again. To Blackwing..to someone else who knows how not to ruin a relationship.. the universe..It just scares me and I don't deserve such a nice person as you. You have always followed who you are even if it meant being crushed by it, and you help people. Always. So forget I ever said anything, okay even if you're not weirded out by it"

He tried not to let his emotions show. God he really really really hated this. He waited for him to get off his lap, nod and leave, his worst emotions and fears gaining the better of him. He should have known by now that whenever he expected the holistic detective to do something he went in completely the opposite way.

Dirk kept his eye contact, lifted his head, and placed a simple light kiss on his forehead.

It took everything within Todd to screw his eyes shut and try not to cry. A few tears leaked out, not doing that job well.

"Ever since we solved the Patrick Spring case you have said you're my friend. After Wendimoor and you and Farah stuck around, I believed you. I now know that the while the universe may take me wherever I need to go, that you'll always be right there with me..because Todd I think even if the universe tried to separate us, you would fight it tooth and incredibly worrying nail. You're braver than you think, and you're always willing to be there for me which is rare. I've liked you since we ended up in Bergsberg, and I think I've loved you since you appeared like a dashing hero to protect me in the house within a house and when you kept that portal open for me to get through. I have always wanted a friend and as you said I have more than one but what if I wanted something different, what if I wanted more than that? Because I have more than one friend now! Furthermore what if I wanted to say that I never thought I deserved you either, you would have lept to my defence the same way I have. I don't think I've ever managed to love anyone more. So we're a little messed up, everyone is Todd, it's just how you handle control of your life and the universe will reward you. I'm just amazed it's rewarded me. I'm a little bit in..love..with you..too" Dirk traipsed off a little fearfully not standing his ground.

Todd inhaled deeply, of course Dirk would tell him what he wanted to hear, be the brave one in all this deciding to tap his finger underneath his friend's chin, make his face go towards him this time and after roughly five seconds of worrying he'd screw this up, he quashed it finally letting his mouth touch lips breathing a lovely sigh of relief. Dirk melted into him bringing one hand up to his cheek and brushed his thumb back and forth as a comforting gesture. They broke the kiss both wildly grinning.

"That was possibly one of my best ever decisions and I've made a lot of those not excluding actually meeting you, can we do it again, and call each other boyfriends, that gives me a little funny feeling there, I think we should do it again, the universe is giving me a hunch to and as you know I follow the universe, really I think this is the best gift I've ever gotten not that I ever have been given a gift before, understandable when -"

"Shut up and kiss me again asshole"

Screw the universe were Todd's final thoughts as he went back into kiss his best friend again, Dirk Gently loved him as much as he did and it couldn't take that from him. He'd always be some form of grumpy and asshole and maybe he never would deserve him even if Dirk made him talk it all out and they both ended up crying like 5th graders, and they'd solve death defying cases forever or they'd fight, but at least he got to now do and be those things with Dirk.

If anything went wrong, they could just blame the universe.


End file.
